Understanding the Link Between Negative Self-Talk and Mental Illness
“Self-stigma can be just a big a problem as the negative attitudes of others.”
― Megan A. Arroll
I used to be my biggest bully. Yes, I suffered daily verbal abuse, and my peers told me to kill myself. Yes, students assaulted me — I was punched, kicked, and spat on. But none of this hurt as much as how I spoke to myself.
I’d go home every day after school, bursting with impotent rage. I wanted to stand up for myself. I had daydreams about knocking out my biggest abusers. I just didn’t have the guts. Every day, I pretended to accept my fate.
I’d cry in frustration. My inner voice was the one bully I could never escape. I told myself I was a coward — worthless, ugly, and undeserving of anything good.
The bullies would come and go, but it was my hateful inner voice that never stopped. Would I ever be able to escape?
Why do we indulge in negative self-talk?
“The old saying goes, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Yet, my own negative self-talk is certain to make my words both sticks and stones.” ― Craig D. Lounsbrough
Our internal dialogue is constantly running, yet most of us use it to attack ourselves. We use our inner voices to hammer home what we did wrong, whom we offended, and the chances we were too scared to take.
Negative self-talk focuses on rehashing the pain of the past and painting a fearful future. It often comes from the hurting places — depression, low confidence, and anxiety.
You may have ingrained habits that cause a spiral of self-hatred:
Poor health habits
Failing to ask for help
Denying this negative self-talk
Spending too much time alone
Surrounding yourself with the wrong people
You can hone in on what causes your hatred by asking yourself this question:
“What are you afraid other people will find out about you?”
Negative self-talk and the decline into mental illness.
“The sick in mind, and, perhaps, in body, are rendered more darkly and hopelessly so by the manifold reflection of their disease, mirrored back from all quarters in the deportment of those about them; they are compelled to inhale the poison of their own breath, in infinite repetition.” ― Nathaniel Hawthorne, The House of the Seven Gables
My negative self-talk fed into my feelings of cowardice. My feelings of cowardice led to me becoming a police officer. My need to prove myself tough led to me developing PTSD because I didn’t ask for help when I needed it.
The main cause of my PTSD was being first on the scene of a double suicide of two teenage girls. The trauma must have shown on my face because a colleague asked if I was okay because my face was ashen white. I lied and said I was alright.
My sergeant tasked me with guarding the bodies alone for hours. Throughout the night, I went through periods of silently crying for my mum. I even detached from my body and felt like I was watching events happen from above.
Yet I never asked for help. My inner voice told me this horror was good for me. This pain was a way to prove I wasn’t the coward I’d long suspected I was. Most people couldn’t handle this horror, so the fact that I was still standing meant I’d earned self-respect.
My inner voice told me to shut up when I began crying while walking to my car and seeing an early morning jogger. I sucked it up because I didn’t want anyone to see me crying.
I was only as good as my last act of perceived bravery. One act of cowardice would overturn years of hard work.
The descending spiral was complete as I took greater risks, saw worse things, and berated myself at every opportunity. I developed PTSD and was medically retired, aged 27.
What can we do to fix our negative self-talk?
“Convince yourself everyday that you are worthy of a good life. Let go of stress, breathe. Stay positive, all is well.” ― Germany Kent
Some therapists I’ve seen have advocated replacing negative self-talk with positive affirmation. But strong self-esteem comes from changing the way we relate to our thoughts, not from overriding them.
When you try to force yourself to be happy, it can be detrimental. Life throws challenges at us, and we insist on only seeing the positive. To perform this contortion, we start denying our reality, which can lead to a spiral of shame. When things go wrong, the inner critic comes back with a vengeance. You end up judging yourself even more.
I always use the best friend test. How would I respond if my best friend shared this experience with me? I’d be understanding and compassionate whatever they were going through. Imagine if you were this kind to yourself.
Kindness means we accept ourselves exactly as we are. Acceptance leads to love.
Self-talk isn’t good or bad. It hurts if we return to a negative mindset out of habit. The ideal process is to hear your inner critic, acknowledge it, and then detach.
Learn to let go.
Final thoughts.
If you are overwhelmed by negative self-talk, talk to your doctor or a therapist. Sometimes, the journey is too painful to go alone.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy might help. Here are some resources that might help:
ReachOut — online resources to help with self-talk and self-confidence
Online-Therapy.com — CBT from the comfort of your home
Samaritans — Talk to someone about anything that bothers you
American Psychological Association — A list of crisis hotlines and resources